Brave Girls

Ok, I've been meaning to write this for a long time, but well this isn't easy to write so I haven't.  :)  A new friend of mine in OK wrote about her struggle with depression, so I thought I'd join her.  Here's my story. 
Because I am weak, I have to start at the very beginning.  My parents divorced when I was young.  I grew up with my grandparents and was a twin, and therefore always felt a little different and I'll even admit I was embarrassed by my grandparents at times.  I love them to death, but let me put it this way--my Grandma is the modern day Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.  Not only is she obsessed with marriage, she's just as crazy as Mrs. Bennett.  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  She's crazy.  I'm crazy...so yeah. You know that phase every adolescent goes through where they think everyone is watching them?  Well that period was especially difficult for me because I felt so different.  All the surgeries and scars on my legs didn't help either (I've had more surgeries than I can count to fix a leg problem I had at birth).  Then when life was getting good and we moved back to live with my mom, she passed away.  I moved right back to Arkansas and started my second semester of 6th grade.  Why is this information important?  I mentioned I am weak.  I feel like I have to defend my depression.  So here is my defense.  Studies have shown that female children who experience early life stress are more prone to depression.  I personally don't look back on my early life and think negatively.  I had a great childhood.  I was VERY happy.  I was LOVED.
Now to the story:  If you knew me in high school or college, you probably thought I was happy and outgoing.  I was.  I thought I had a great life.  I did miss my mom a lot and was very self conscious about myself, but life was great.  I had small bouts of depression, but I kept myself too busy in college to fall in any major dark holes.  There were times where I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I don't remember why.  But, I wouldn't consider myself depressed at that point.  I didn't really believe in mental illness either.  I just thought maybe I wasn't being spiritual enough.  If I did better in my scripture study or prayers, I'd be better.   I'd do better and I'd feel better. My depression didn't really hit me until I got engaged.  I went to a counselor and she assured me that it was just all the stress I was going through.  It was my last year of college.  I was planning a wedding..blah...blah...blah. I believed her and thought it would go away.  Then I got married.  Life was great for a few months and then I started student teaching (when Will read through this he informed me that I was depressed before student teaching began).  I fell into a dark hole.  I was miserable.  Will was a trooper.  He was studying psychology at the time and was probably trying to do all types of experiments on me.  I went to see another counselor.  This guy wasn't much help either.  He basically said the same thing as the first.

"You've never really struggled with depression.  You were happy in the past.  You're just going through some big changes.  You're a newly wed and student teaching.  My wife is a teacher,"

and I kid you not, he told me that he thinks most teachers are on anti-depressants anyway.  So, once again, I thought it was just a very dark funk.  I don't know how I survived. I hated life.  I felt incapable. I didn't think I had what it took to make a good teacher or to be a good wife.  I often asked Will why he married me.  I didn't feel like I deserved someone so good.  (He really is great. I love him!)  Well, student teaching ended and I started to climb up.  We moved out of our dungeon, and I did seem to get better.  I survived pregnancy.  Then I had a baby.  Now, she melts my heart, but those first few months were tough.  I probably cried every day. I felt incapable.  You see your friends and read their blogs and their lives look so perfect.  They can take care of their kids, clean their houses, and make all kinds of cute things and good food.  I didn't find any enjoyment in life.  I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I think I told Will probably every day that I didn't want any more kids.  I didn't understand how people had more than one.  I was done.  I felt fat, ugly, incapable, etc.  I felt everything dark. I couldn't be a good mother.  Luckily Will's work schedule was flexible, which meant he was able to take care of Evelyn when I just couldn't handle life (Don't worry, I didn't neglect Evelyn.  Sometimes I just felt like it was too much to handle and Will was able to help).  However, it got to the point that he was having trouble getting all of his hours in.  Frequently I would just feel overwhelmed and go to bed, regardless of whether it was morning, afternoon, or evening.  Then, one day Will came home in the middle of the day to put Evelyn to sleep for me and to let me shower.  That week in particular I had really been struggling, and he was frequently having to reschedule with his clients.  After he had put Evelyn to bed and I had showered, I was feeling better and told him he could go back to work.  However, he told me that I needed help.  He told me that I needed to see a counselor and to see a doctor about getting on antidepressants.  He had mentioned this before, but he was firm this time.  When he said this to me, especially about the antidepressants, it hurt.  But, he was right.   I realized I needed help.   I wasn't going to get better on my own.  Reading scriptures more or praying wasn't going to help (on a side note, when I was so down, I didn't even have the motivation to read scriptures).  Sadly, this didn't happen until Evelyn was almost 8 months old.  But, we got through it.  She was a great baby, so that helped A LOT!  I'm glad to say that once I started taking anti-depressants I felt better within days.  I have tried to wean myself off, just to see if I could make it on my own, and it is very evident that I still need them.  I'm glad they work, because I have learned that others cannot find help as easily and have to climb out of those dark lonely halls on their own, and that is tough!  Despite the help I have received from medication, I still struggle.  It would be nice if taking a pill would make all of my troubles go away, but it doesn't.  I still struggle to find the motivation to do things.  I still am very critical of myself.  I still struggle to get out of bed.  I'm grateful that Will helps out around the house as much as he does, since many nights after a long day with Evelyn I don't want to make dinner or really do anything.  I know that this is going to be a battle that I'm going to fight all my life.  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), studies show that antidepressants alone won't do the trick.  I know that it takes personal effort too.  As Will has now done even more research on this, he tells me that counseling is strongly recommended with antidepressants.  However, I have to admit that my experience with counselors (I've gone to 3 different ones) has been very bad.  So, we'll see what I can find to give me the same things (or at least similar things) to what I could get from counseling (anyone have any good books they suggest?)
So, there you have it.  There is my story told in a few lines.  I love life.  I'm grateful for Evelyn and I'm so ready for lots more kids.

Why would I write all this?  Why would I show my worst self?  This is really hard to do!  It's because I need help from you.  I can fake it.  How many of you knew that I was struggling?  My sister doesn't even know how bad it got.  So, now that you know, I won't be tempted to fake it, but to fight it...  I can learn to be a BRAVE girl!  Also, we all covenanted at baptism to bear one another's burdens.  I appreciate knowing what others struggle with so I can relate with them and try to shoulder the load with them. Now, you know my burden.  Can you help me bear it?  :)

Over Easy

We're here!  We are now Okies!  It's hot...I could probably cook an egg outside, but we love it.  We are almost done moving in.  I'm loving our new place.  Evelyn is too.  She has been crawling around more enthusiastically than she ever did before.  I think she is having fun exploring.  We took her to the pool yesterday, and she loved that.  We're having a good time.  I've been so grateful for all the help we received with this move and just  help in general.  Here is my huge thank you list.

Thank you Shelley Mills for the awesome hair cut
Thank you Cheryl Cline, Tammy Dawson, and Lisa Huber for your help with cleaning the apartment
Thank you Brother Rena, Jake Dawson, Eugene Mariner, and President McIntosh for your help with moving
Thank you Taci and Jake Zollinger for your help with the couches
Thank you Amy for helping me take care of Evelyn
Thank you Jeannine McDonnel for letting my sis and I stay at your place
Thank you Dianne, Jacob, and Michael Whatcott for waiting patiently to meet up with us and for the great breakfast
Thank you Dean and Margaret Taylor for ALL you do!  We love you and couldn't have made it to OK w/o your help.

I truly am blessed.  I really felt the love of the Lord these past few days.  I've thought a lot about Spencer W. Kimballs qoute, "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other."  But,  I have also felt his love in other ways.  We've been trying to down size and sell some things.  It was amazing some of the things that sold and the offers we got on them.   Every little thing worked out perfectly.   It wasn't just a coincidence.  I know that there is a God and that he loves us and cares for us.  I also know that our loved ones who have already finished their test are on the other side helping us out too.  I am grateful for this move and the things it has taught me.  I am so grateful for my WONDERFUL FRIENDS!  LOVE YOU ALL!

Excitement

Warning: I am trying to set a record for using the word "excited" in one post.

In 10 days I will have a new home.  I'M SO EXCITED!  In 12 days, HARRY POTTER comes out!  I'm SO excited.  I just get so giddy when I think about these next few weeks.  This summer is going to be awesome.  Those 2 things are the start to some other AMAZING things that are going to happen, but I'll tell you about them later.  Anyway, one of my best friend is going to be a mom.  I'm so excited for her.  She's going to be the best.  She's amazing.  I LOVE YOU JULIE!  I'm so excited to be 5 hours away from my other best friend...my SIS!

Life is great.  Evelyn is beautiful. I love watching her learn new things and explore.  She's always making me smile.  I love when she gets really excited or when she crawls really fast to see me or Will.  I love how happy she gets when Will gets home.  She claps and it is adorable.

Why I breastfeed

This is more of a reminder for me.  I LOVE BREAST-FEEDING!  I love it!  It was REALLY difficult at first, but I am so glad I am doing something so rewarding for my little one.   I'm not going to lie, I wanted to give up several times, but E was the smart one and refused to take a bottle.  :) I'm glad she's so smart.  (Seriously, though she really is smart.  She's going to be a child prodigy, I'm pretty sure.) :)

Since, I'm not lying (I'm actually sitting up...you've got to love my husband's humor.)  :)  Sorry...like I said before, it's  tough.  It's a very big time commitment on the mother's part, it's painful in the very beginning, and it's not the norm.  Maybe it's my insecurity, but I usually feel really weird when I breastfeed in public.  Those are all the cons I can think of.

Here's my list of pros:

NOTE: I do feed E formula.  I'm not a big fan of pumping, so when we go somewhere or when I make her cereal I use formula.  I'm not hating on formula...I'm just reminding myself of why I still breastfeed...

Why I love breast-feeding
1. It's my cuddle time.  I love holding E close.  I love it when she looks up at me while she eats, and I can stare into her beautiful eye's as she stares into mine.  I know she likes it and feels loved.  The other day I was giving her a bottle of formula and I found myself getting impatient.  I wanted her to take the bottle and hold on to it herself.  (She's getting pretty good at doing that.)  But, when I'm breastfeeding, my time is hers.  It's a great time-out from the world.

2.  The obvious...breast is best!   Have you looked at the ingredients in formula?  In 3 of the formula's I have, the first ingredient is Corn syrup.  One of them has the second ingredient listed as SUGAR! YUCK!  (Maybe that's why our kids have so many health problems...)

3.  My little one hasn't been sick yet.  We've gone through flu season, and Will and I both have been sick several times, and E has had hardly any problems. (She got stuffy once, and a runny nose a few times.)

4. It's FREE!!!!  Have you looked at how much a can of formula costs?  For 15 bottles, it costs $13!

5.  No clean up...and I hate doing dishes...

6.  If some big disaster happened & the grocery stores were empty, I would still have a way to feed E.  Yeah, I could stock up, but food storage for Will & I is tough enough...

Well,  here's another random post about something that has been tough, but so wonderful.  Hope you enjoyed.

The Power of the Mind

Just some random thoughts about birth and the mind...

I recently reminded myself that what we perceive is hard becomes hard.  I was doing something strenuous the other day.  I was tired and ready to give up, then I told myself...hey...I gave birth without any interventions, if I can do that, I can do anything.   I had a new bout of energy and the task at hand was more enjoyable.

When I was studying up on giving birth, before E was born, I came a cross several books that discussed how women have come to believe birth is hard because everyone says it is.  They cited examples of women in other counties who give birth easily and get back to work.  I decided to test this theory and used Hypnobabies to help train me.  I wasn't the greatest student, so yes, labor was hard...one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But, I learned a lot about myself and that I can do hard things. It's SO empowering.   I wish more people choose to go this route...but whatever.  (It's great being in control, as well. )

The mind is SO powerful!  I have become lazy in allowing it to grow, I'll admit.  I haven't fasted in awhile,  (I'm still breastfeeding and for my milk supply to keep up with E I need food)  but that was one of the things I loved about fasting.  It helped remind me that my mind was in control.  I think we need those reminders.  We have so much potential, but a lot of times we let our body or our negative thoughts get in the way.  I hope I can do better and remember how strong, powerful, and capable I am.  YOU ARE TOO!

The Truths about Parenting PART 1

*I must start with a warning so to say.  There are many different views on parenting.  This post is about mine.  I'm not wanting anyone to get offended, I'm just venting...

Truth #1: Parenting is tough!
Do we ever admit this?  I'm quilty of being one of those moms who always post the cutest pictures and videos and always talks so positively about my responsibilites as a stay at home mom.  I, mean, E is awfully cute.  Right now she's on her tummy in the living room looking at the big overstuffed chair saying "hi"  (more like..haui) over and over.  But, she's not always happy.  She cries and tries my patience.  So why do I always try and convice people that I am SO happy that I stay at home w/ E?  Well, part of it is because I am...usually.  Also, for me, personally, I feel like I have to prove myself.  This probably isn't the best thing.  BUT, in our society, stay at home moms are not looked at in positive ways.  I have to remind myself OFTEN that what I'm doing is more important than bringing in an extra couple thousands of dollars a month.  We survive on one (small) paycheck, and we don't have any debt.  Yeah, we have a hand me down table, no tv and cable, and used couches that I don't particularly like, but my happiness doesn't come from those things. 

I'll admit that there ARE times when I look at the world and wonder if this is so right why do "they" look happier?  Again, I have to remind myself OFTEN that what I am doing is making a difference.  There is so much darkness in the world right now.  The world needs BETTER parents.  (You do not have to be a stay at home mom to be a better parent by the way.  I have several AWESOME friends who have to work.  That's not what I'm saying.)  With Will's job, we've seen how important parenting is.  I wish more children could have a MOM & DAD who LOVE each other and who are ready to be parents.  There are TOO many 17 year old moms!  It's almost normal!  YIKES!  I'm so glad that I can stay at home with Evelyn and let her know that she is loved and cared for.  I'm glad that I can be the one to teach her values and standards and not some government program. 

So, there you have it...parenting is tough!  Not just because I have no clue what I'm doing and because I don't know how to always make E stop crying, but because the world has made it tough! 

Now you mom's out there, what have you done to make it easier?  What has helped you feel that what you are doing is the Lord's will?

True Love

So here's a fun video of our little princess and her prince charming.  The prince is 18 months.  His parents are our besties.  We've pretty much planned our children's marriage.  :)  I was watching the prince a few days ago, and the princess just loved him.  She kept giggling at him.  I finally pulled out the camera after she died down a little.  Enjoy!

March Madness

Well hello April & spring & moving & planning &poopy diapers.  What's that?  Yes, I said poopy diapers.  This last week, we've had to give the princess 3 unscheduled baths because she has made some serious messes.  Yet, she still is my favorite little person in the whole wide world.  I love her little eyes.  I love it when she looks up at me when I'm feeding her.  She stares straight into mine.  It's beautiful.  She's starting to be quite the chatter box.  We can't go to anywhere w/ her. :) (Mostly because she's so cute I'm worried some one will steal her...) Today during conference (we like to go to a church and listen to conference on Sundays) she kept googooing & gagaing.  Will got up like 10 times to take her to the back and distract her.  It usually worked.  Then tonight we went to a Methodist church for an Easter seminar they have been doing.  Same thing...this time I stood in the back with her too.  We sat behind an old lady, and I saw her plug her ear once.  HAHA!  She'll never sit in the back again, I'm sure. 

Conference, what did you think?  What was your favorite talk?  Leave a comment! If you're reading this, you either are Mormon, or know I'm Mormon.  Every 6 months our church has a conference where our prophets, apostles and other church leaders talk.  It's always amazing.  I know the Lord inspires every speaker.  I loved all the talk about dating.  My sister loved it too.  HAHA, so right after priesthood session on Saturday a guy messaged her on fb and asked her to go on a walk w/ her between sessions.  RIGHTEOUS!  Amy couldn't go though...
Will's favorite thing about conference... well he doesn't have a favorite talk...but he liked the overall encouragement and motivation he got to be better.  Don't you love President Uchtdorf?  He's so witty!  I always love Elder Bednar.  He is a serious scholar.  He always has some new principle to share.  I love how he presents his message. 

In other news, if you stalk me on facebook you know that we are moving to OK!  I'm so excited!  You may ask, espeicially if you're JULIE ARDNT, what is so special about OK?  :)Well, for starters, it's pretty close to my family in AR, and not too far from my family in MN.  Secondly, the people are SO nice!  Thirdly, the school is beautiful!  (University of Oklahoma)  Will is going to be studying Industrial/Organizational Psychology. (Most people don't know what this means...basically it's dealing w/ improving the work place through things like training, leadership development, personnel selection, etc....FUN stuff...right.)  Actually, I'm really interested in it.  I hope he focuses on leadership because I'm fascinated w/ stuff like that.  The building Will will be spending most of his time in is beautiful! 

We're so blessed, the program pays for his school and gives him a little extra to live off of.   One of the biggest reasons that I'm excited for this move, is that we will be there for at least 5 years!  Really, that's not a long time, but when we got married, I had no idea what our future held.  I knew he would graduate in a couple years, but I had no clue where we would be.  I knew we would leave Idaho shortly though.  So, I haven't really gotten comfortable.  Now, I can get a little comfy in OK.  Oh and Norman, where we are going, is such an awesome town!  It's VERY family oriented.  There are lots of parks and an awesome movie theater, and all sorts of fun things to do.  Plus, my great uncle is the CFO for the ampitheater at the Oklahoma City Zoo (30 minutes away) and he gets front row tickets to any show in town.  AWESOME!  Last year Tim Mcgraw came and my cousins and Grandma went.  He sang to my cousin because it was her birthday.  Anyway, I'm excited to get to spend more time w/ my great uncle and possibly see some great shows!  :) 

I'm not excited about moving.  Blah!  Any suggestions?  I've checked out 3 books from the library.  I'm such a nerd, now hold on (before Julie makes fun of me...)  I didn't say I was enjoying reading them.  I have learned some things though.

Speaking of books, has anyone else read The Hunger Games or The Great & Terrible series?  I've just started Mockingjay.  I didn't like them at first, but I was told to keep reading, so I did.  I'm not a big fan of authors shouting out political messages, but it's not that bad.  I really liked the second one.

I started reading the Great & Terrible books on my own.  My friend Courtney let me borrow her book.  I had it for over a year and finally decided to read it. It was so good!  I got the next one from the library and then Will bought me the whole series for Valentines Day!  YAY!  We're listening to them together now.  (The library has them on CD.)  READ THEM!  They are about the second coming and SO interesting.   (Fiction...but insightful) Well, I'll keep you updated on our exciting new adventures.  Leave some love!

Here's little E doing her thing...I tried to keep it pg rated, but she has this grabbing complex...
Before I took this video, she was just having a ball in the tub.  Of course, as soon as I pulled out the camera she died down.  This still kind of shows how relaxed she was, but seriously her legs were slumped over the side and she was just chilling...

Being in Love and Marriage

Will and I love C.S. Lewis for so many different reasons.  He has so many good things to say.  Here's one:


Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. (Mere Christianity)


Isn't that beautiful?  I remember the feelings of love Will and I had when we were first dating.  It was magical.  However, after two and a half years of marriage, those feelings aren't as rampant as they were.  I still get giddy, but the twitterpation I felt 2 years ago is gone.  Now, we are learning to love.  It is even more magical.  :)  


I think one thing many people in this world are missing out on is learning to love.  So many people want the feelings that come with love.  Well, those strong emotional feelings come and go, so people move on.  They think, I must not be in love any more.  However, love is more than just feelings, it is like C.S. Lewis said, learning to keep promises and help each other.  As I have been learning to love my husband, I am learning so many other things.  I am learning to be patient and to be less selfish.  I am learning how to listen to others and how to communicate my own feelings.  I am learning much more, and we've just been married for 2 years!  I still have so much to learn!  It's great!  


Marriage is so important because we learn to love.  There is no greater thing to learn because like I mentioned, you learn so many other things!  That is why it is so important to strive to keep your marriage strong.  It can be hard, but something so magical and amazing should be hard!  Is our society turning into a bunch of wimps where they can't learn to love?  People don't want to get married and make the greatest promise they could ever make.  Others succumb to the hardships of keeping their promises.  I know that Will and I can and will commit to each other!  We will learn how to love and keep the promise of fidelity that we have made.  I love you Will!  


Enjoy this clip from Bambi about twitterpation.  :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUI-ivE6iGE

My Birth Story

October 13, 2010  (I've been meaning to post this.)

She’s here!  E was born on October 12 at 6:40am.  It was intense.  Before I say anything about her birth, I need to start from the beginning.  This whole experience has been amazing.  I know the Lord has played a role in it from day one.  Will and I had been trying to get pregnant.  After a few months of trying, I said that we probably wouldn’t get pregnant until Amy came home.  When I found out I was pregnant, we calculated the “due” date.  (I’m not a fan of that word.) It was 3 days before Amy was scheduled to get home.  (I didn’t know at this time that most first time mom’s have their babies late either…)  Anyway, the Lord knew that I needed Amy.  

Now, nine months later: Monday afternoon, I had a prenatal appointment.  We decided to do an internal exam since I was now 40 weeks.  Karen checked me, and I was almost a 2 and 90% effaced.  I have the mindset that dilation really tells you nothing and apparently that’s true.  I thought after that appointment that it would still be a few more days.  That night we had an FHE group come over as we were sitting down for dinner. (There was a miscommunication with time.) One of the apartments kept giving us a hard time about having the baby.  They wanted to be there.  

Anyway, they left, and Will and I ate dinner. Afterwards, Will was going to type up some notes for work.  I tried to lie down on the couch.  I couldn’t get comfortable, but that wasn’t anything new.  I decided to go into the bedroom.  Soon afterwards, around midnight, I started having some contractions that felt different.  They didn’t feel like the ones I’d been having, and they were coming pretty frequently.  I told Will that I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep, and he said he wouldn’t be able to either.  We knew this meant she was coming soon...we didn't realize how soon.  

So, we decided to watch a movie (Runaway Jury).  I began to wonder if today was the day.  I told myself maybe tomorrow, but after the contractions kept coming, I began to see the light.  I didn’t think she’d come the day Amy was coming into the states.  That’s too much excitement in one day.  Anyway, I decided I should check and see how close together these contractions were, since they seemed pretty frequent.  As we watched the movie, I would tell Will when a new one started, and he’d write it down.  An hour passed and they were all 3-5 minutes apart.  By this time, (1:30) it was getting hard to stay comfortable, so I decided to take a bath.  That didn’t work that well, so I tried taking a shower.  That worked better, but it was still hard to stay relaxed.  I was having some pretty bad back pain.  (I’ve had it this whole pregnancy, but this was worse.)  She was in the perfect position for delivery, so I’m not sure why it hurt so much.)  

Will was a little nervous, I think.  He wanted to help, but I didn’t need him yet.  I told him to do the dishes and then had him run a few quick errands.  I decided I’d better call my midwives and see if they thought I should go up to Rexburg.  I was told to go to the hospital when they were 3-4 min apart, lasting for a minute, and that happening for an hour.  They fit the rule, but I had only been having them for a couple hours.  I was hesitant to go, because I also knew that for most first time moms birthing time can be pretty long.  I had only been having contractions for 2 hours.  How many more hours would I have to go?  Anyway, I called and the phone system wasn’t working, so I eventually called the hospital.  She had me try calling the # again because she was really only supposed to call them when I checked in.  She said if I couldn’t get through she’d call them though.  After a few more minutes, I called her back and had her call the midwife.  We decided we would go up though.  (I was GBS positive, so I didn’t want to risk not getting the penicillin in time.)  Will gave me a blessing and then off we went.  

As each contraction hit, I tried to relax and breathe through it.  I thought the car ride would be pretty bad, but it wasn’t.  It went fast too, but that was because Will was speeding. ( I told him he didn’t have to, again thinking that we were being silly for going already.  My midwife called me on the way there.  I could still talk through most of my contractions, so they weren’t “that bad” yet.  (Compared to later…)  Anyway, she kind of said the same thing I was thinking.  Since we lived in IF and I was GBS positive, she thought it would be wise to come up, but I kind of got the hint that she thought I might be coming too early too.  Anyway, we got there around 3am and did the whole admitting thing.  They checked me, and I was at a 5.  This was the only time they told me what I was dilated to.  (I didn’t get too excited about being at a 5 either.  I thought it could still be quite a few more hours.)  They admitted me and things started getting intense really fast.  

I had prepared for a natural childbirth with the hypnobabies class.  It is a class that teaches you self-relaxation.  I was initially going to go to the classes, but then the instructor had a family emergency and wouldn’t be doing the classes again until October.  She told me to try the home study course.  I had read a lot of birth experiences of people using the hypnobabies method and was really impressed with their stories, so I thought I would try it.  (Many women have had pain-free births…if you don’t believe me, google hypnobabies.) I wasn’t the best student doing it on my own, so looking back now, it would have been better to go to a real class.  I did learn a lot and felt like I was able to handle the pain a lot better, but a lot of what I learned I couldn’t utilize during the last few hours of labor.  

So, while my contractions were intensifying, I tried to relax and think about everything I learned.  It was tough, and I couldn’t get comfortable.  I tried several different positions.  I was excited to birth with the midwives because they are really helpful in suggesting different positions and they have a Jacuzzi room in the hospital that only their patients can use.   I found that the only position that was comfortable was lying on my side with Will rubbing my back pretty hard though.  Sitting on the toilet was ok too.  So, for the next few hours I laid in bed while Will rubbed my back. I drank a lot, so I had to get up and go to the bathroom every now and then.  After a while, I couldn’t concentrate on anything.  Will was the only thing that kept me going.  I love him!  He was such a good coach.  We debated about getting a doula before birth, and it probably would have been great.  I told Will that if we didn’t get one, he would have to be pretty prepared.  He was awesome and did a lot of reading with me.  So, he was strong for me.  I would squeeze his hand for each contraction, and he would encourage me.  I could tell he was a little nervous at first with what to say, especially with the nurse there.  Speaking of nurses, they were amazing!  They followed our birth plan to a T!  They were very supportive.  I loved how they only checked me when I told them I felt like pushing and they only put the monitor on me a few times.  When they did put it on, they held it there instead of wrapping it around my stomach. 

After awhile, my body was getting pretty tired, and soon I felt a lot of pressure down below.  She checked me, but told me to keep waiting. (She didn’t tell me what I was dilated to…  I thought about my Savior and looked to Him for strength.  I also thought about Eve.  (Where E comes from…)  I’m curious to know how her birthing time was.   I think it was a beautiful experience for her.  Tough…yes, but still beautiful.  She didn’t have all these negative portrayals to dwell on like we do.

I began to feel really pushy, and so she checked again and still told me to wait (I think I was fully dilated, they just weren't ready yet. :) ).   They were getting things ready in the room, and Will’s voice began to change (she must have told him that I was almost there or there so, I knew things were progressing.)  Karen, my midwife, came in and told me I could start pushing.  I was so relieved but still had a lot of work to do.  This was probably more intense than the first stage.  I felt a lot of water coming out at one point and thought my water finally broke, but a little later she grabbed a hook to break the water, so I’m not sure what that was.  Will started to get really excited.  He told me he could see her head, so that gave me a new motivation.  Then I started thinking negatively of all the bad stories I’ve heard in regards to pushing.  (People really should stop doing that.)  At any rate, after LOTS of grunting and working with my body she finally came through.  Words can’t describe how I felt.  It was SO tough, but then everything became beautiful!  The hormonal rush that happens right after pushing is amazing.  She was quickly put on my chest.  I was so in love and relieved.  She was very purple and funny looking, but I was in love.  Everything I had just experienced was forgotten.  We rubbed her off and just stared at her.   We waited for the cord to stop pulsing and then Will cut it.  I birthed the placenta sometime in there too.  That was weird.  Then they took her to be weighed.  They thought she swallowed some of the fluid because she was having some trouble breathing, so Will and she went to the NICU to check her.  She was fine.  It turns out I wasn't there for the 3 hours for the medicine to work for the GBS, so we had to stay an extra day to make sure E didn't get it.  I got to the hospital sometime after 3, and Evelyn was born at 6:45.  CRAZY FAST!  

So, this was very long.  If you read it all, congrats!  It wasn’t what I imagined, but it was still a beautiful experience.  I am so grateful for Will and our little girl.  This experience really brought all of us together.