Brave Girls

Ok, I've been meaning to write this for a long time, but well this isn't easy to write so I haven't.  :)  A new friend of mine in OK wrote about her struggle with depression, so I thought I'd join her.  Here's my story. 
Because I am weak, I have to start at the very beginning.  My parents divorced when I was young.  I grew up with my grandparents and was a twin, and therefore always felt a little different and I'll even admit I was embarrassed by my grandparents at times.  I love them to death, but let me put it this way--my Grandma is the modern day Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.  Not only is she obsessed with marriage, she's just as crazy as Mrs. Bennett.  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  She's crazy.  I'm crazy...so yeah. You know that phase every adolescent goes through where they think everyone is watching them?  Well that period was especially difficult for me because I felt so different.  All the surgeries and scars on my legs didn't help either (I've had more surgeries than I can count to fix a leg problem I had at birth).  Then when life was getting good and we moved back to live with my mom, she passed away.  I moved right back to Arkansas and started my second semester of 6th grade.  Why is this information important?  I mentioned I am weak.  I feel like I have to defend my depression.  So here is my defense.  Studies have shown that female children who experience early life stress are more prone to depression.  I personally don't look back on my early life and think negatively.  I had a great childhood.  I was VERY happy.  I was LOVED.
Now to the story:  If you knew me in high school or college, you probably thought I was happy and outgoing.  I was.  I thought I had a great life.  I did miss my mom a lot and was very self conscious about myself, but life was great.  I had small bouts of depression, but I kept myself too busy in college to fall in any major dark holes.  There were times where I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I don't remember why.  But, I wouldn't consider myself depressed at that point.  I didn't really believe in mental illness either.  I just thought maybe I wasn't being spiritual enough.  If I did better in my scripture study or prayers, I'd be better.   I'd do better and I'd feel better. My depression didn't really hit me until I got engaged.  I went to a counselor and she assured me that it was just all the stress I was going through.  It was my last year of college.  I was planning a wedding..blah...blah...blah. I believed her and thought it would go away.  Then I got married.  Life was great for a few months and then I started student teaching (when Will read through this he informed me that I was depressed before student teaching began).  I fell into a dark hole.  I was miserable.  Will was a trooper.  He was studying psychology at the time and was probably trying to do all types of experiments on me.  I went to see another counselor.  This guy wasn't much help either.  He basically said the same thing as the first.

"You've never really struggled with depression.  You were happy in the past.  You're just going through some big changes.  You're a newly wed and student teaching.  My wife is a teacher,"

and I kid you not, he told me that he thinks most teachers are on anti-depressants anyway.  So, once again, I thought it was just a very dark funk.  I don't know how I survived. I hated life.  I felt incapable. I didn't think I had what it took to make a good teacher or to be a good wife.  I often asked Will why he married me.  I didn't feel like I deserved someone so good.  (He really is great. I love him!)  Well, student teaching ended and I started to climb up.  We moved out of our dungeon, and I did seem to get better.  I survived pregnancy.  Then I had a baby.  Now, she melts my heart, but those first few months were tough.  I probably cried every day. I felt incapable.  You see your friends and read their blogs and their lives look so perfect.  They can take care of their kids, clean their houses, and make all kinds of cute things and good food.  I didn't find any enjoyment in life.  I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I think I told Will probably every day that I didn't want any more kids.  I didn't understand how people had more than one.  I was done.  I felt fat, ugly, incapable, etc.  I felt everything dark. I couldn't be a good mother.  Luckily Will's work schedule was flexible, which meant he was able to take care of Evelyn when I just couldn't handle life (Don't worry, I didn't neglect Evelyn.  Sometimes I just felt like it was too much to handle and Will was able to help).  However, it got to the point that he was having trouble getting all of his hours in.  Frequently I would just feel overwhelmed and go to bed, regardless of whether it was morning, afternoon, or evening.  Then, one day Will came home in the middle of the day to put Evelyn to sleep for me and to let me shower.  That week in particular I had really been struggling, and he was frequently having to reschedule with his clients.  After he had put Evelyn to bed and I had showered, I was feeling better and told him he could go back to work.  However, he told me that I needed help.  He told me that I needed to see a counselor and to see a doctor about getting on antidepressants.  He had mentioned this before, but he was firm this time.  When he said this to me, especially about the antidepressants, it hurt.  But, he was right.   I realized I needed help.   I wasn't going to get better on my own.  Reading scriptures more or praying wasn't going to help (on a side note, when I was so down, I didn't even have the motivation to read scriptures).  Sadly, this didn't happen until Evelyn was almost 8 months old.  But, we got through it.  She was a great baby, so that helped A LOT!  I'm glad to say that once I started taking anti-depressants I felt better within days.  I have tried to wean myself off, just to see if I could make it on my own, and it is very evident that I still need them.  I'm glad they work, because I have learned that others cannot find help as easily and have to climb out of those dark lonely halls on their own, and that is tough!  Despite the help I have received from medication, I still struggle.  It would be nice if taking a pill would make all of my troubles go away, but it doesn't.  I still struggle to find the motivation to do things.  I still am very critical of myself.  I still struggle to get out of bed.  I'm grateful that Will helps out around the house as much as he does, since many nights after a long day with Evelyn I don't want to make dinner or really do anything.  I know that this is going to be a battle that I'm going to fight all my life.  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), studies show that antidepressants alone won't do the trick.  I know that it takes personal effort too.  As Will has now done even more research on this, he tells me that counseling is strongly recommended with antidepressants.  However, I have to admit that my experience with counselors (I've gone to 3 different ones) has been very bad.  So, we'll see what I can find to give me the same things (or at least similar things) to what I could get from counseling (anyone have any good books they suggest?)
So, there you have it.  There is my story told in a few lines.  I love life.  I'm grateful for Evelyn and I'm so ready for lots more kids.

Why would I write all this?  Why would I show my worst self?  This is really hard to do!  It's because I need help from you.  I can fake it.  How many of you knew that I was struggling?  My sister doesn't even know how bad it got.  So, now that you know, I won't be tempted to fake it, but to fight it...  I can learn to be a BRAVE girl!  Also, we all covenanted at baptism to bear one another's burdens.  I appreciate knowing what others struggle with so I can relate with them and try to shoulder the load with them. Now, you know my burden.  Can you help me bear it?  :)